When Offers to Help Aren't Helpful

I've had a lot of people offer to help during this pregnancy. Some offers have been more helpful than others. A couple of months ago, I reached the point that it was more painful to accept help because I had to go up and down the stairs to answer the door or drive to another town to get help. I know that people mean well when they offer to help but when getting help complicates my life rather than simplifies it, or magnifies the pain I am feeling, it is not really 'helpful' after all.

An offer to help is not helpful when:

• I don't have your phone number, you don't answer your phone, or return my phone calls.
• My kids are picked on by your kids.
• I would have to drive to your house for you to watch my kids when I don't have the energy to drive to the grocery store.
• You are not available when I actually need the help, only when it is convenient for you.
• I feel like you would rather be doing something else but feel obligated to offer to help.
• My house gets rearranged when you come over and 'help' and I can't find the things I need to take care of my family.
• You tell me kids they don't have to listen to me.
• You disregard my rules or requests and do whatever you want in my home.
• You ask what would be helpful or wanted, receive a specific answer, and then do whatever you want.
• There are enough health problems and needs in your own family that you feel obligated to tell me about and are having a hard time taking care of, but you want me to ask for your help in the time that you don't have.
• My offers to help in the past have been rejected.
• You tell me children they have to do things that are not part of our routine or household rules and functioning.
• You tell me how to run my house, parent my children, or what opinions I am allowed to have.
• It is harder to walk down the stairs, answer the door, and carry on a conversation with you about why I am in pain, when it will all be over, and why the doctors don't know what is going on than it is to deal with everything by myself.
• It totally drains all of my energy to load my kids up and haul them to your house and go pick them up, especially when driving intensified my pain.

I really appreciate the help I have received. There have been some wonderful friends who have done a lot to help take care of my children and my sanity the last few months. I'm just tired of explaining things I don't have answers for and telling the same people over and over again that their help would not be useful without being rude. I have no problem accepting help if there is truly a need, but if it is something we can manage ourselves we really don't need extra help, especially if the source does not have respect for our home, our ways of parenting, and me as an individual and mother.