It's not that I need something to blog about, it is taking the time to blog about them that is my problem lately. Between the birthdays of our two beautiful children, rearranging our house, planting a garden, working in the yard, adjusting to being off my medication, having to cancel our trip to Disneyland again (and praying that we will find some way to save enough money to afford it sometime this year), dealing with a variety of unexpected expenses, doctors visits, spring cleaning, having the main road to our home closed down and adjusting to the detours, and a variety of other aspects of every day living I haven't taken much time to blog the last few days (Secret: I do a lot of blogging on one day and schedule my posts for the week. I don't blog every day even though my blog looks like I do.)
I'm also trying to figure out why I am the one that people call and cancel on frequently, and the person that people call for last minute baby-sitting as well. Am I too flexible and lack activities? I am also trying to figure out why I have a lot of people tell me to call them if I ever need something, but when I actually call they conveniently can't do anything for me after all. Am I trying to rely on the wrong kind of people? It doesn't seem to matter whether notice is given a day or a month in advance, when I actually need help it takes me 5 to 15 phone calls or contacts to get someone to help me. No wonder we don't date much anymore. On the other side of things, I find myself doing whatever I can to help someone when they ask me regardless of how inconvenient it may feel at the time. Am I too service oriented? Or do I just have a hard time saying no when I see that someone else has a specific need? Frustrations.
I'm venting. I know. Life is not all black and white or good and evil, and everyone has their own concerns, challenges, and activities. I'm just frustrated that I have been taught all of my life to help others and look out for others and it feels like a large portion of the population could care less about anyone but themselves. Does that make me too
un-self oriented? Or does that make other people selfish? I'm trying to understand where the dividing line lies between making myself a priority first and foremost and serving and caring about others. Definition please!
I am not trying to say that I am perfect about caring for others. Far from it. I just keep wondering why people only care when it is convenient or when they want to try to fix someone else or when they want to point out something they think another person needs to do. Do I have harsh standards for myself on trying not to do these things to others and expecting the same thing from others? How about expecting honesty? That doesn't seem like too much to ask.
Sorry I've been through a lot of ups and downs the last couple of weeks and I'm trying to get it all out of my system to try to release it from my mind. That way the same thoughts don't keep rebounding from one end of my mind to the other while driving me crazy with their repetitiveness. Most of the time it is easier for me to sort things out when I put them down on paper than it is to sort things out in my mind. Funny how that works. I must be a visual learner or something. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just trying to express my feelings which i probably am not doing an excellent job at. I have a lot more going on in my mind than I am able to communicate most of the time. And when I think I have communicated something exactly, nine times out of ten what I have said is misunderstood, not heard, or misinterpreted. And I thought I spelled out all of the details effectively, I guess that is just one more adjustment I have to make to
accommodate someone else. Where is it written that I have to do all of the adjusting? Anyway, that is how it feels sometimes that I am expected to make all of the adjustments and changes to
accommodate someone else and no adjustment is to be expected on their part. If we are all here to learn and grow, shouldn't both parties have to make some changes and adjustments?
One of the other things I have found challenging lately is the awkward stage of life I have found myself in. Awkward because I feel like I am done with certain stages of life that some people I know are still in or just getting to. For example, we are done having children and a lot of the couples we went to college with are either having their first child or another child and they have children the same age as mine. It is so strange to find out that someone is having a baby or buying their first home, realizing that time has passed, and acknowledging that you have already moved beyond that stage in your life. Not something I had planned at the age of 25. Strange how life has a way of turning out quite differently than you anticipated or planned it to be.
I really wish I could type as fast as I think. Then maybe my thoughts wouldn't seem like such a jumbled mess once they come out and I wouldn't lose half a thought before I can type it or write it. Maybe this is just another manifestation of my A.D.D. I'm not denying that I may have this, or am I saying that it is
debilitating. It is a challenge, but something I acknowledge and am working to understand. However, since I have not been specifically diagnosed by a professional, I do not feel qualified to say one way or the other to state that I have A.D.D. for a fact. Please, no pity parties or well meaning parties telling me that I need to accept this part of who I am. Already done that. Now, let's move one.
Wow! I think I'm tired. Do you find that things overwhelm you more at the end of the day than first thing in the morning? Emotional things anyway, I always get overwhelmed with my "To Do" list first thing in the morning while I lie in bed trying to figure out the best place to start with everything that needs to be accomplished in a given day. Sometimes I want to roll over and just forget about what needs to be done, but the majority of the time I get out of bed and do my best to accomplish something every day. Some days are better than others, but that is realistic and normal.
Going off on another tangent, in Sunday School (Gospel
Doctrine class where class members are taught more about the
doctrines found in the scriptures) the teacher asked if we had any possession that described who we were or that we valued the most. His example was fly fishing rods and a very complex digital SLR camera. The first thing that came to my mind was my children's
car seats. Strange, I know, but here is the analogy. I do not have anyone possession that I would say describes me because I have a variety of interests and hobbies. However, because I have children and those children have
car seats that means that I can share my interests and hobbies with them. Owning
car seats means that I have children, a car, and money for gasoline to go places. If I have a safe way to transport my children, and a vehicle to transport them in, that means that I can take my children places and share this world with them. Without those
car seats I would have a very limited amount of this world that I could share with my children and I would not have the opportunity to fully describe who I am and what I am interested in with the next generation and watch the joy they feel when they discover something new about our world. So, as odd as it may sound, my children's
car seats probably are the one possession I own that describes me best because of all the opportunities they make possible in sharing this world with some of my favorite people. Strange but meaningful, at least to me.
Which leads me to the challenges of motherhood. With Mother's Day just around the corner, I am finding a lot of reminders that I need to send out Mother's Day Cards and that we are suppose to celebrate motherhood. I have to laugh because I have come to believe that Mother's Day is just a day of extra work for moms. I mean, who else buys cards and mails them to all of the mothers in both his and her families (or tries to remember to make phone calls on the appointed day), who usually plans and prepares the "special" meal in honor of the celebration, and who is it that still has all of her usual responsibilities to fulfill regardless of the fact that the celebration is suppose to be about her? Funny how it just seems like extra work for someone who already has plenty of work to do even if she only has one child. Needless to say, Mother's Day is up there with Valentine's Day on being one of my least favorite holidays. Such is life.
Now that I have worked out some of the kinks in my mind (at least enough that I feel like I can get some sleep tonight), I think it is probably time for me to go to bed and put off working on other things
until tomorrow. Total randomness and a lot of nonsense, but sometimes that is just how the mind works. Life goes on.
Bekah was excited to watch Benjamin open presents. So excited that she kept stepping in front of the camera while Mom was trying to take pictures.
Aunt Mary and Uncle Gary were helping keep Bekah from being in front of the camera. It was fun that they happened to be in town for a special performance the same weekend Benjamin had his birthday.
More tigers! Rrrrr!
Dinosaur sandwich cutters!
Benjamin loves getting mail. Especially when they contain birthday presents!
No zooming on this picture. Yep, it was that close.
Looking down on the mining camp.
A miner, hard at work.
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My Brother & Uncle Martin
Mary, Bekah, David, Mom, Kristina, Benjamin, & Charlynn
"Fishing" at the duck pond. 
Dancing while waiting for our turn at the duck pond.
Milk jug bowling. Bekah thought she needed to hold the ball and use it to push over the milk jugs. Benjamin threw the ball so fast that Mom was hard pressed to catch him in action.
Eating cake. I don't think this dessert was shared with the birthday animals, but we sure enjoyed it!
The Pig Trough activity consisted of using only your mouth to find the piece of gum in the pile of whipped cream. Benjamin found the gum and chewed it without swallowing (a major feat) and Bekah enjoyed the whipped cream.
Piglets!
The baby goat was able to be in the same pen as his mother, a priviledge not all of the baby animals had.
Ropin' the hay bale animals.
Washable, animal tatoos picked out by the children. "My cow," a smiling Bekah said.
These lambs were bleating so loudly for their mommies that they scared Bekah. It was so sad, especially because sheep are her favorite animals.
When I see a calf this small I find it hard to believe that it will be so big when it is a full grown cow.
Benjamin gave Bekah a backpack that she absolutely loved! I love to see the joy the children find in being able to give presents to each other even at this young age. They especially enjoy it when one give the other one something they really enjoy.
I think Benjamin was enjoying Bekah opening presents almost as much as she was.
Yeah! A "b", as she likes to call blankets or anything like unto it.
An apron! Perfect for our little "mommy" and mommy's helper.
When she opened her apron, at first she thought it was a blanket for her baby but she was just fine when she found out it was something for her to wear. Now all of us have aprons to wear when we make things together!
Bekah had to put on every present that was wearable as soon as she opened. As you can see, she is fully accessorized in the majority of her wearable birthday presents.
Reading cards from Grandmas and Grandpas. She was delighted to get mail! And thank you for the extra "presents" that were used to buy her some cute dresses and pajamas!
On to the birthday cake!
Once Bekah figured out how to blow out the candles she kept asking for "More blow" until we took the candles out of the cake and served it. Silly girl!
Mmmm. Yummy cake!
