A lot of people I know are having babies. Some are having their first, some are having their second or third, and some of our friends still do not have children after several years of marriage. I find that we often judge people on their ability to have children, the number of children they have, and how many children they have. I use to be horrible about this and it is still something I struggle with. The other day I found myself making a comment about how I was surprised some friends of ours had waited over three years to have a child only to find out that they had been trying for a long time to get pregnant. My comment came more because I was under the impression from visiting with the couple when they were married that they did not want to wait that long to start a family, but it was still wrong of me to make such a judgemental comment.
Since having children I have come to understand that carrying a child, giving birth, and being a parent are very challenging. I have also learned that everyone faces different challenges in the challenges of deciding when to have children as well as the physical challenges of being able to bear children if and when they are conceived. I am a whole lot understanding of the choice and challenges of parenthood. I am also very conscious of the joys that come from parenting. Now, I am not condoning putting off children until you have fulfilled every desire for education, acquiring a home, traveling, and any and all other physical pleasures. I do not think that is right and it makes the transition to parenthood much harder as a number of my friends and family have experienced. What I am saying is that the challenge of having and the choice to have children is unique to each couple and should involve our Heavenly Father in the decision making process.
Today, and a number of other times from friends and family, I was asked if we were done having children to which I responded yes. When I had Benjamin I said this a number of times in jest, but this time I was extremely serious. I would like to share why we have made this decision and why I have greater respect and understanding for the choice of having children and how many to have. With so many people having babies, this subject comes up a lot and I have learned a lot over the past four years.
I have always wanted to have a happy and healthy marriage and have several children. From my early teen years I often felt that I would have difficulty bearing children and that I would not be able to have many. I had no idea how correct these feelings were and how they would help prepare me for what I would face in my life. As Michael and I dated and prepared for marriage I told him I wanted 10 children to which he responded that he thought four was a good number but he would support me in how many children I wanted to bear because I was the one who would bring them into this world and take care of them. This would make me laugh because deep down I knew it was not likely that I would be able to give birth that many times.
Shortly before we were married I had surgery to try to identify some problems I was having. At my post-op appointment about six weeks I was given some good and bad news. The good news was that my problem had been identified and now I could understand my symptoms and disease, seek out the treatments available, and evaluate my options. The first bad news was that I have Endometriosis which means that my endometrium tissue grows inside of my abdomen, where it is not suppose to be, as well as inside my uterus and ALL of that tissue is shed each month which causes scarring and fluid inside mt abdomen. The second bad news was that if the doctor and identified my disease even a year or two late it is very unlikely that I would have been able to get pregnant, scientists are still trying to identify why, and my doctor was still unsure if I could get pregnant now. Imagine having to sit down with your future spouse who you are planning a future and a family with and say I do not know if I can have children and I will understand if you do not want to marry me. For those of you who have not been able to become pregnant or have had to try for a long time before experiencing that miracle I can truly identify. Thankfully, my husband had faith that things would work out and decided to marry me anyway. We decided that we needed to try to have children from the start to see if I could conceive a child. After 7 months of marriage and hearing stories of people 'accidentally' getting pregnant without trying to and much frustration we were blessed to find out that we were blessed to find out we were pregnant! By the way, the stories about 'accidentally' getting pregnant are extremely painful to listen to so please be conscientious of those around you when sharing such stories freely. If I only new what I was in for, I do not know that I would have been so excited.
At 12 weeks I started cramping and I thought I was going to miscarry. The doctor told me to take it easy and try to relax and remove some stress from my life so that my body would relax. Between 20 and 24 weeks it happened again and I was given the same advice after a battery of tests could not identify the cause. Six weeks before Benjamin was born I started to have preterm labor which was never consistent enough to go to the hospital about but enough that I thought I was going to go into labor before my due date. This not include the usual discomfort of pregnancy which any woman can identify with and I don't feel are pertinent to what I am trying to share. The week before Benjamin was born I was in a lot of pain and I received the impression "What if this baby doesn't make it?" I nearly burst into tears at my desk and was grateful that no student needed help at that particular moment. I was so stunned by such an impression that it took me a moment to gather my thoughts. My response was firm and resolute: "If this baby does not make it, I will never go through this again." I know that we are not suppose to bargain with God, but had experienced so much emotional and physical pain during my pregnancy that I did not feel that it was worth the experience only to lose the child at the end. I greatly admire those who have been able to overcome the loss of miscarriage to have more children. I can say that afterwards I had no other similar impressions though I continued to worry until Benjamin was born.
A week after my due date I finally went into real labor. I was labor with Benjamin for 17 hours and I barely remember his entrance into the world. What I do remember is that one minute I was trying not to choke on my oxygen and being told to push, the next moment I remember seeing nothing but this bright, blinding light and hoping I wasn't going to die, and then I was back in the hospital room touching my newborn baby and throwing up my pain killer. I never told anyone but my husband this, and I did not tell him until right around the time Bekah was born.
After Benjamin was born we began to pray about when to have another child. Physically, we knew that we needed to have the children within a couple years of each other to improve the odds of being able to conceive another child. Mentally and emotionally, I was still traumatized from my last experience and suffering from post partum depression and not ready to have another baby. When Benjamin was 9 months old, I felt impressed that we needed to start trying for another child. I also had the thought that if we were only going to have two children, I would want them to be fairly close in age so they could share life's experiences. Seven months later, waiting and wondering if I could get pregnant again, lwe found out we were expecting again.
I did not know if my second pregnancy would be as challenging as my first, I hoped it wouldn't be. At ten weeks I made an emergency visit to the doctor's office because I was cramping and the doctors wanted to make sure I wasn't going to miscarry. At 16 weeks the contractions started. Yes, contractions. Contractions that were so strong I would have to lay down for long periods of time and severely limit my activities to stop. These contractions were not Braxton Hicks contractions that just tighten my abdomen and cause minor discomfort, these were full on down the back and legs, please kill me, contractions that only became worse over the next 22 or so weeks to the point that wearing anything that fit at all would intensify the contractions. I even spent two months predominantly on bed rest, well as much as one can with a busy toddler. By the way, the Braxton Hicks were more annoying then anything else the second time around. It was a relief to have those because they were not painful, just uncomfortable.
A battery of tests never did identify the cause. After I had been on Pitocin (labor induction drug) for several hours without pain killer, my doctor diagnosed my previous problem with contractions as Latent Labor because I told him that I did not need pain killer for the type of pain I had been living with for months. All in all, my second pregnancy was much worse. Labor and delivery was about the same but only lasted for about 8 hours once I was finally induced.
I thought things were looking up at that point and I did not expect to get post partum depression again. I was not going to be working full time and I was done with my bachelor's degree so I would have plenty of time to devote to being a wife and mother. Unfortunately, my body and mind would not have it be so. My second round of post partum depression hit hard and fast about the time Bekah turned two months old and it did not start relent until after I sought out some professional help after Bekah turned one. This is not to say that I did not try self help books, exercising regularly, seeking service opportunities, trying to develop new friendships, taking breaks from my family every day, getting out of the house once a day, and a number of othe things to try to get better. It was not something I, and my family, could work through and overcome on our own.
I joked during my pregnancy with Bekah that if we found we were having a girl, we would be done having children. When we had the ultrasound and found out that we were, indeed, having a girl I began to wonder if the Lord was testing me or telling me that I had done enough because my feelings previous to that were that if we were having a boy we would be more likely to have more children later on. I have since learned that it was the later of the two alternatives through much study and prayer for both my husband and I. We have decided that it is better to have a healthy mom, in both body and mind, than it is to continue to have more children and risk my life. We are open to having more children if the opportunity presents itself through other means, but we will not be having anymore children naturally.
Like I said before, through this experience I have learned how personal the decision to have children, how many to have, and when to have them is. Parenting is hard work and inconvenient at times, but I would not trade my positive and learning experiences as a mother for anything in the world. Yes, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have been able to learn and grow because of it.
There. That is a long answer to a short question, but I felt that I needed to share a broader perspective on our parenting situation and what I have learned and experienced over the last few years.
