Praise the Action, Not the Child

When I first heard of this concept, I was offended at the suggestion. What! Praise what a child is doing, instead of who they are? How will the child know they are of value and view their accomplishments positively?

Once I got over my initial indignation, I listened to what my professor said and discovered that I like this concept much better than my preconceived notions of fostering self-confidence. When a child learns how to jump, the parent says, "Good jumping!" instead of "What a good jumper you are!" This communicates to the child that he or she is able to DO something instead of giving him or her a title. From my perspective, a title limits what the child can do to what he or she has done in the past. A title also presents the opportunity to compare one's self to others whereas describing what a child can do limits that possibility. So if a child knows he or she is good at jumping he or she will be more likely to share what he or she knows with others rather than describing themselves with a title.

This probably sounds a little confusing. When I have tried to apply this concept in watching my children learn and grow, I can see the positive significance it has. For example, Benjamin always wants to be the winner and when he is not he becomes very distraught. However, Benjamin loves to share what he can do with other people. When he has heard that he is good at jumping, he will go up to people and say, "Look at me. I can jump." Whereas when he thinks he is the winner of race and someone tells him he is not, he argues the point until either he or the other person is extremely upset.

The other positive aspect of praising a child's actions instead of providing him or her with a title is that this technique helps the child realize that he or she can DO things. Very impowering when I think about how hard it is to try something new, especially if I have titled myself as less capable of a given action. If I know that I am good at something, crocheting for example, I am more likely to tackle new and different projects than I am if I say I am a good crocheter. As a good crocheter, I have accomplished something and that task is in the past and I don't see much of a need or ability to move beyond what I have already accomplished. I know that some of my internalized labels are limiting in other aspects of my life, but as I focus more on what I can do I stretch myself more and accomplish more than I ever thought possible. The same thing is true for my children.

When I first tried to apply this technique in my parenting strategy it was not easy. But it makes me feel like I am empowering my children more and reducing the amount of limitations placed on them in this world and it has reduced the conflict and comparison between siblings and friends.