It's 4:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Like my friend, Serene, I have decided to spend some time on the computer to help me unwind a bit in what feels like a futile attempt to get some sleep. This one is more of a journal entry than anything else, so if you don't like that kind of thing you may not wish to continue reading. :)
So much has been going on lately that it feels like the world is spinning too fast for me to keep up. It is overwhelming to be a wife, mother, housekeeper, maintain our yard and garden, develop and maintain a social life, and still find time for yourself. I can understand why some people pay so much to have other people do some of those things for them, it feels like too much for one person to handle. I love my job, I just get a little overwhelmed when things get busy or one thing takes so much of my time and attention that I have to set aside some other things that only pile up for want of doing. Other times, I want to go back to work and let someone else take care of my overwhelming responsibilities.
I think I am a perfectionist when it comes to having my house and my life in order. I want everything to be neatly organized and put away all of the time. Being human, life just isn't that way and it frustrates me more than I can say. Why can't we be perfect right now?!? Wait, this life is meant for us to gain experience and understanding. How are we to learn and grow if we don't seek after, and gain experience in this life? How are we to provide the opportunity for others in the worlds we will create if we don't understand the experience ourselves? When I take the time to sit down and think logically (identify and replace my illogical thought patterns) I realize that each day is an opportunity to learn and grow. And, boy!, do I need to grow sometimes.
My therapist told me that I need to understand that right now my life is a series of messes and that is okay. It is the stage of life I am in and it will not last forever. This idea has changed my perspective on life. We are taught that this life is a test. I don't know about you, but I get bad test anxiety when I think about everything that I need to learn and remember for a big test and that makes this life very challenging at times. Now, I view this life as a series of messes. Messes create challenges that can be worked through and overcome, and if the same mess happens again you just work through it all over again and are better prepared for it because you have done it before. I can deal with messes so much easier than tests. Yes, messes overwhelm me on a daily basis, but messes I am more apt to attack with every part of my being and work through as efficiently as possible. Tests feel like a judgement on how I am doing in life. Messes are more appealing to me because even though they never quite go away, they are only a problem to solve that will help me develop skills and attributes that will help me learn more and become a better person. How's your mess today?
I really wish I were sleeping right now. My thoughts are starting to slow down instead of tumbling around in my mind constantly. I'm down to highway speed from a freeway speed (and, yes, I was going the speed limit beforehand). It feels nice to have some time for conscious thought that is uninterrupted by my daily concerns even though it is those concerns are what is rolling around inside of my head. I have some uninterrupted personal time though I will probably regret the lack of sleep tomorrow. I can think clearly and take time to write some things down instead of scrambling from one thing to the next. At times I feel like I have to get everything done at once, and while that idea is absurd and something I am working on to release myself from I find it hard to look at one slice of pizza so to speak instead of the whole pan. Making lists helps with this because it helps me focus on what I can truly accomplish in a given amount of time instead of feeling like I need to accomplish everything at once.
I hope that when you read this you can see all of the positive things I am learning and accomplishing instead of hearing only my depressed undertones. I really love my life and my role as mother and wife. Mostly, I am tired and it is the middle of the very early morning and you get to read my ramblings. Life is good!
The Main Event
1 day ago
2 comments:
It's good to hear you're doing good and I don't mean that to be facetious. If you weren't struggling and you weren't frustrated, how could you be advancing? your ideas on "test vs mess" is awesome! It's our upbringing that creates some value in the gold stars and test grades when in reality the focus should be on the knowledge we gain, the skills we strengthen, the problem we've solved, and our readiness for the problems ahead. keep in mind if success was easy, everybody would be doing it.
"And in truth, I’ve never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn’t appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.
I don’t say these things because I believe in the “brute” nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in God, and I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious." -vince lombardi
thanks for sharing your thoughts. i like the idea of thinking of life as a series of messes versus tests. i agree that it makes things seems a lot more approachable. i totally know what you mean when you say that you work hard in one area, but that seems to mean that the other areas aren't being taken care of. being a mom (and EVERYTHING that entails :D), is hard work! so, thank you for your uplifting thoughts! i appreciate it!
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